I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
