k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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