Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Dear god my vagina.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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