woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Randomize
