sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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