Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
