people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
