Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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