Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize