Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
