you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
