Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
