dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Randomize
