nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Randomize
