I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
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