I'm so fucking centered right now
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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