I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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