Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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