So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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