We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
