I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Randomize
