I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
