...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
