Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Randomize
