Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Just took my morning after pill in the library
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
