You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
