Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
