i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize
