just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
wow bdsm is so cute
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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