Well douche your snatch and let's go!
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
