im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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