the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
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