I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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