i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
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