remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
