Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
