i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
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