this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
