can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
