I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Randomize
