I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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