Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
