Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
