hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
I cut my penus on the lid.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
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