did you get engaged???
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
