FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Randomize
