Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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