If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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