I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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