So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
