so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
