What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
i believe in u and ur pee
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize