Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
