i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I'm passing your future prison.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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