apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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