The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Randomize
