I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
