Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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