even my farts smell like vagina
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
I see more hoeing in ur future
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