I cannot find my penis.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
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