The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Randomize
