i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
